What does it mean to 'Love Yourself' ?

What does it mean to love yourself, to have self-confidence, to know you have worth?  What does it feel like to know your existence has meaning?

I hear all these words and read all these books, but as much as I understand what they are trying to tell me I don’t understand what they are describing.

 It is true that it is easier for some to understand these feelings & emotions described in these various forms.  But no matter who you are, what your background is or how much education you have, if the words ring true for you it means you CAN understand them in more than just one way.  As unfortunate as it is not all upbringings provide the various lessons that are needed to understand that you as an entity are enough of a person to bring yourself the love and self-esteem you feel you deserve or want or need.

 As children most of us don’t learn that we are worthwhile, instead we learn that we have to live up to certain expectations, certain obligations, certain certifications to reach a level where OTHER people will then think us worthy.  When in fact our children should be learning that they are the perfect ‘self’, that they are unique, brilliant and beyond expectations in just being themselves.  That they each day will naturally evolve into better people, each day the happiness they need to focus on is their own.  Rather than trying to find happiness in the way other people see them as people, they need to learn that the happiness is always inside them and their happiness will be as a direct result as to how they seem themselves and really doesn’t have anything to do with the environment around them.

 Some parents read this & walk their children to school every day.  Or perhaps catch the bus with them or drive them in everyday.  During that time something beautiful can happen.  The parent during that time could teach themselves & their children how to ‘be happy with me’.  Even if it’s difficult to dedicate that time, something simple like a:

-         5-minute chat on what is happening around them and how they feel about it.  (Communication is a wonderful thing to learn.)

-         10-minute walk around the block each day discussing the day’s events.

-         Making a certain time each week ‘family time’.

 When it comes down to it, the smallest of things can have the biggest of meanings.  All any child ever needs is time & love.  Two things that we all have plenty of, but if you don’t think you have enough to spare of either, give it a try for a mere 10 minutes a week.  Dedicate 10 minutes of your week to focusing on giving ‘time & love’ to those around you.  At the end of the 10 minutes if you find you have ‘lost’ from it, you can get a complete money back guarantee.

 Life tends to give us the experience we are working towards.  For example, if the experience we want to have is to have communication with our children, and if we are working towards that in some way each day.  Depending on the intensity of the effort we are putting in, we will soon be communicating with our children.  If our intensity in effort is dedicating 10 minutes each week to our children, we will not live our experience as quickly as someone who has the intensity of 10 minutes each day of dedication.  However, we will still achieve the experience we desire.  How much intensity each of us put into the various parts of our lives is a personal thing as the priorities of each part are designated as per that individual.  To understand the priorities of an individual you must first understand the individual in question.

 If we were to be asked, “What is your main priority in life?” the answers would be as varied as the individual.  The term ‘main priority’ may be taken out of context so I will explain the logic further.  The ‘main priority’ is the part of your life that you dedicate the most time in your average week too.  This might be your job or family, it might be education or leisure.  We all have our different reasons for having our priorities in the order they are, and without understanding the individual 100% it is not possible to judge the reasons of the different priorities.

 The term ‘workaholic’ is one that defines an individual who’s main priority in life is their job, for this person growing up might have meant that both parents were at work all the time and as such having their ‘career’ as their main priority is totally understandable.  This individual may have been working since they were 14 and may have paid for their own further education when 20.  Not a huge surprise when at 37 the person works 60 hours a week, is away from home 5 weeks out of 6 and is very dedicated to their career.  However if take a step back and notice that there is a family with 3 children into the picture, our opinion of this person may change slightly.  Questions like:

What sort of upbringing is that for the children?
How does their partner cope?

We begin to throw our own experiences into their life and then pass judgement.  An individual from an environment where there was a ‘workaholic’ & also ended up having a broken home might see this situation and instantly have the opinion “That relationship will never last”.  This opinion is based on that individual’s personal background, which is fine, but to re-look at our original situation with the family of the current workaholic.  Take into account that the ‘workaholic’ in our situation dedicates at least 20 minutes each night to the children, whether it’s sitting on the floor playing with them when at home or hearing about their day over the phone.  With today’s technology it might be sending video emails to one another or ‘meeting’ somewhere on the Internet and chatting.

As we have just seen, to look at an individual and judge that person without knowing the full story is very difficult to do accurately.  We learnt that a career focused individual that has grown up being taught that ‘to get ahead you have to work hard’.  So they have, and although having a family and being away from home a lot they still dedicate time to their family.  But to look at this situation from the outside and only see one side of it, it can be very deceiving.  As individuals we are brought up to believe we have to reach certain levels & standards to be accepted by society.  Some simply give up trying to please those around them; others push themselves beyond any expectation and succeed in all sorts of ways.  For the majority, it’s somewhere in between.  The point to remember though is this.

“What you feel in yourself creates the pathway to your own happiness.
Your happiness can light up the paths for other people.
Their direction during their own journey comes from their feelings.
Be a light for those around you, be brightest when they are standing in shadows.  Light the path; but let them do the walking.”

We all have those people in our lives that always seem to have things going wrong, always have a new complaint about the abuses that society throws at them.  Then there’s the other side of it, those friends who no matter what always appear to be able to see the good side in events and people.  They have the same bills, problems and tribulations just like the rest of us but always appearing on top of the problems and have things going right for them.  The only difference between these two types of individuals is attitude.

For the majority of us we have good days & bad days.  Some days we wake up knowing that the best thing we can do is go back to sleep.  Then there are other days where we wake up and everything we touch seems to turn to gold.  Each week has its good parts and bad, just as each day has it’s good parts and bad.  However the only difference between our good days & bad, our good parts & bad are attitude.  We might have the same job to do each day as part of our normal working life.  On our good days that particular job is seen as a ‘breeze’ or something we don’t have to think too much about.  On our bad days that particular job is seen as tedious and ‘another irritation’ to our already painful day.  The only difference is our attitude at the time.

Just as with our ‘always happy’ friends, we too can adjust our perspective what is going on around us so that, for the most part, it won’t have a negative effect.  Each of us knows the benefits in having this sort of perspective, you don’t need any scientific experiment or ‘New Age’ therapist to tell you that.  It is simple common sense that tells us having a positive outlook on life has benefits.  And as it is recognised as ‘common sense’ most of us already have the ‘common sense’ to evolve something so beneficial into our lives.  As we have discovered already, the more intense the effort the bigger the reward we feel as individuals.

Travelling through life each of us walks along our own personal paths.  Every day that we interact with those around us, our personal life path interacts with other people’s personal life paths.  The way we interact and the message we leave those that we interact with, greatly depends on our attitude at that moment in time.  Our attitude greatly depends on our perception of what’s going on around us at that moment in time.  As individuals we can either (A) live with intention and make your interactions as productive as possible, or (B) our life paths can bounce off others without direction and only other peoples intentions as momentum.  Meaning simply that it is up to the individual to create meaning in their life and get what they want out of it, alternatively the individual can live in hope that someone or something gives them meaning.  And when that individual receives what would normally be considered a proactive experience, they won’t recognise it or know what to do with it.

It is a day-by-day thing, as with any sort of training or introduction program.  The difference is that this is solely an individual thing.  Others can assist, but only the individual can make the difference in their own lives.  Each of us has realised at some point or another that it is up to the individual to make the difference, the next step in that realisation is where most turn back.  It’s one thing to realise what it takes to make a difference, it’s another thing to actually make that difference.  Those who have know that it isn’t a matter of ‘trying & possibly failing’, they know there is no ‘trying’.  Realising it and doing something about it is being successful, realising and making a difference is being successful.  The only person it will ever effect or make a difference to essentially is the person doing it.  There’s never any ‘trying’ in life, the individual is always ‘doing’ and hence just ‘being’ makes them successful in making a difference in themselves.  Doing anything pro-active makes the participant feel good inside.  Doing anything that you enjoy doing helps you to appreciate you as an individual more.

Those that are ‘always happy’ are more than likely not always as happy as they appear. However, the chances are that they do a lot of things in their lives that help them feel good.  And with the regular good feelings flowing in their lives, they naturally have an appreciation of themselves.  This is something that an individual that doesn’t get ‘out & about’ in life may not be able to appreciate.  Fear of the unknown holds a lot of people back in life, and as much as that is a shame, there is a reason we feel fear.  It’s another ‘trained’ emotion that we learn while growing up.  It sets boundaries on what we feel safe doing & feeling.  In theory, it is meant to stop us from being hurt although, as we all know, that isn’t always the case.  At some point or another we have set those boundaries with our comfort zone, but unless we are constantly re-assessing those boundaries & re-creating our comfort zone with our new found information, in time these boundaries no longer keep us safe as much as they restrict us from growing and appreciating our true selves.  So every once in a while, it is vital that we push our physical, emotional and mental capabilities.  Otherwise we miss out on our true self and the brilliant uniqueness of the individual.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror we may not always like what we see.  However, if that same person dedicated 30 minutes of their day, at least twice a week, to doing something they enjoy.  When that person looks in the mirror after 4 weeks the person they see is different.  By then people have started to say how they look healthier, happier or almost as if they are glowing.  Where people used to have difficulty approaching them or talking to them, these days the conversations seem to flow smoothly.  The perception the individual has of themselves changes, and they focus less on what the people around them may or may not be thinking of them.

There is a point where it’s realised that there are going to be times where you feel disrespected by someone, but on average it’s not that that person isn’t displaying their feelings or affection for you but rather that they are simply getting on with their daily lives without realising the ‘energy’ they are giving off.  And at that point it’s also realised that the way you feel towards yourself should not be changed by anyone else but you.  If someone is rude to you, it’s not always because OF you.

So one can spend their day judging themselves in direct proportion to the judgements they feel are being placed upon them, or one can spend their day being happy with who they are and enjoying what they have.  The choice, as always, is up to the individual.